As much as I’d love to be the sunshine unicorns refuge of optimism and zen, I’m just not that kind of person. Little things people do irk me and I bottle it up for months for fear of sounding like a jerk if I let it out. These things aren’t really evil, but they are so painfully unnecessary that I just want to slap people when they do them.
1. Stray black hair-ties on wrists. Nothing ruins a cute outfit faster than a black hair-tie on your wrist. Worried you’re going to want your hair up later? Stash your elastic in your pocket or bag. Seriously.
2. “Reunited and it feels so good.” The requisite tweet/Instagram caption/Facebook status when two friends get together after a long while apart. Just stop that.
3. Arbitrary numerals in an imaginary sequence — especially in commercials. “Reason 2486 to shop at Kroger.” “Reason 596 I’m still single.” I would love to see the 2,000 item list of reasons to shop at Kroger. If there are really that many reasons, I will throw out my Fresh Market bags and give up my pseudo-hippie food snob ways for good. But there aren’t that many reasons, so stop acting like there are.
4. Literally. Literally? No, not literally. Then don’t use “literally.”
5. Facebook birthdays. I could write a whole blog post about this. The fact that Facebook has made it so that you can wish someone happy birthday from your own news feed is pretty pathetic. There are probably five people I will wish a happy birthday on Facebook, and that is because I like them, but we aren’t close enough friends that I can text or call them. I know there are people who see it as their daily good karma — the more random people they wish happy birthday, the more strangers will leave comments on their own walls on their big days. Idk about you, but I would rather not have all my Facebook notifications buried beneath 100 self-serving, empty “happy birthdaaaay” comments.